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It’s the eve of a brand new Year!

And once again we have all survived this years End of the World story, it’s lucky we are such a lucky race despite all our best efforts we keep on going haha

But this post is about not the end of the world or really the end of the year but about something equally important…Me lol

 

For the past 20 years or so I have somehow managed to pretty much stay the same. I have largely done the same things, known the same people, lived in the same place and over most of that time I’ve been pretty damn content. Life has not been perfect (very few are) but I’ve really not wanted to make much of a change in all that time.

But nothing stays the same for ever and over the last 2 years not only have things begun to change but more importantly I’ve begun wanting them to. I am no longer content with my life and I can forsee that now would be the time to begin acting with far more focus if I want to get those few things I can agree within myself that I do want.

So yes the world at large survived 2012 and its apocalyptic possibilities, but I did not.

And to be honest i’m rather glad I didn’t, too much change is scary…but not enough is a slow death.

So 2013 for me will be a year of changes and events, I had hoped that would happen more for 2012, but I can see that I was still holding onto my previous life and mind for most of this year. 2013 however I shall do my very best not to hold on anymore.

To all I wish a very fine year! May all your dreams and wishes be fulfilled to your highest good and the good of the world and those around you.

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Nothing to write about at the moment So instead of a post here is a bunch of Flight of the Concord songs

Took me a long time to not be way too uncomfortable to enjoy their songs lol but finally after re-watching the series a few times I can admit I really quite like some of them plus they are actually very cleverly written and even good to listen to hehe

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First of all my favourite

And now a disturbing but hilarious one

Something a bit more romantic <3

Bowie in space baby!

Very VERY Friendly men

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Well thats probably as much Concrods as anyone can take in one sitting hehe

But did you know that Jemaine Clement plays the baddie in MIB 3? he’s hard to spot for a while but it’s a brilliant role

Anyway Happy Newyear one and all! maybe i’ll come up with a 2013 post…but I somehow doubt it.

Sorry to say that Christmas is just another day for me this year, nothing exciting has happened no great plans are afoot.

I got myself a gift though

Dead or Alive 5 for the Xbox, and I managed to fix my Xbox which had succumbed to the RROD (Red Rings of Death) so I’ve been rather enjoying this game. Which while on the outside may look like a thinly veiled excuse to play a game with a large quantity of extremely well endowed scantily clad women the fact is thats just a bonus for a really well designed and complex fighting system…really it is

And the other fun thing to come is that I will with luck be seeing the Hobbit soon in our local Cinema.

TheCinema is tiny and really not that great…but it is bigger than the screens at home and I’m quite looking forwards to it By the way no thats not one of the Dwarves, thats the portrait I chose for my Halfling character in an old and awesome computer game called Baldur’s Gate

And other than that I will be here, probably having a quiet time of it with my folks. May your Christmasses/Xmas/Holidays whatever you want to call them be what you wish them to be

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Might try a poem now…not sure what it’s going to be about though, as yet…so it’ll be a nice surprise

~~~

Once

I

was a single

I

Then I chose a concious lie

and split apart into three.

Heart

Mind

And body.

 

The Mind got loose and built great walls

Hoping to protect us all.

The Heart got quiet and subtly still

Prefering to wait and will.

The Body lost its voice and both its guides

loyaly waiting for their call.

And

I

was imprinted on it all.

 

Each one of me went here and there

Finding joys, fears and care

Sometimes we’d meet and try to get along

But our simpatico was all but gone.

 

Then one day

I

Felt so low

Empty

Drained

About to blow

and

I

wondered where did

me

Go?

 

So giving my mind something shiny to catch

A swinging ticking ornate watch.

And giving my heart something to feel

Flowing, glowing softly light.

Placing my body in aware repose

Muscles calm almost asleep, folded hands and crossed feet.

 

And I searched and searched and hoped

Had I lost the golden rope?

My mind dropped into despair, no logical structure could be there.

My Heart turned to stone, perhaps the light of love had flown.

My body ached and struggled to move, bored and used to habits whip.

 

And then in all my lost confusion

I

Realised my mistake.

I

Wasn’t lost, it wasn’t too late

I

Was there

I

Always was.

Sitting quiet behind it all

I

Had be playing myself the fool.

Shattering glass to see the play, of reflected me’s running in different ways.

But no matter the chaos and labyrinthine lines

I

Was there all this time.

 

Sinking for a sacred moment, my mind had peace, my heart knew love, my body curled within the hand above.

Together we knew me and

I

Was smiling from the sky.

 

It won’t last, we’ll take our seperate paths

We must.

But now I know in

My mind

My Heart

My body

We are a soul.

~~~

Merry Xmas to you all

It is not for us to reason why, it is but for us to do and die.

So young soldiers will be heard to cry as they let their bullets fly.

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I was listening to the audio book of the Dune Saga recently and it is a truly awesome experiance Frank Herbert is a masterful author as many i’m sure already know.

But along with the skill of story writing and the entertaining complexity of his world he also has a pretty impressive amount of wisdom to empart through out the books.

One little nugget (of many MANY that i’ve sadly already forgotten) was along the lines of purpose and the meaning of our lives.

The gist of it was that while we are all always seeking a ‘reason’ or a ‘purpose’ humanity in fact can never have such a solid answer. Paul the original protagonist of the first Dune book gains the ability of Oracle. By which I mean he is no longer limited to seeing the present and the past only, he is able to look forwards into the myriad potential futures.

But this ability ends up destroying him in a sense because we as humans are ment to be always seeking, always learning and exploring. It is our purest nature.

This nature drives us to always be dissatisfied and frustrated, looking endlessly for ‘The Answer’ or a purpose. But what we fail to spot is the paradox staring us right in the face.

Our purpose IS that sensation of desire for answers, the seeking is our most sought after expression of humanity. To be burdened with absolute knowledge of what is to come and of our purpose is a terrible thing that would rob us of any sense of joy or peace. As is so beautifully expressed in the first three Dune books Pauls prescience becomes like a tramline driving him towards an inescapeable series of events that he has to live the memories of over and over well before they ever happen.

I love the kind of books that look on the surface like a story about space empires and giant worms…and then turn out to be jam packed with incredible complex and enlightening conversation about the nature of life, reality and the mind hehe

Despite having known something similar to this concept before, the two or three line quote that was in the book, perfecly encapsulated it for me and has given me a much needed sense of peace for a while.

So bottom line…yay for books!

Get the pun? hehehehe

Got this Survey from @naughty_virgin

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—————DESCRIBE——————
[x] The shoes you wore today: Green Wellies
[x] Your eyes: Brown
[x] Your fears: Climbing and Running out of time.

—————–WHAT IS——————
[x] Your most overused phrase on aim: ‘Catch Ya later’ probably, thats the only one i’ve noticed myself saying a lot recently.
[x] Your thoughts first waking up: Timer please don’t ring, let it be the middle of the night still.
[x] The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Hair and facial structure I think.
[x] Your best physical feature: Huh never thought about it before, my height probably will be what most notice.
[x] Your bedtime: Somewhere around midnight.
[x] Your most missed memory: Long free days to hang out with my bro and play computer games or walk and talk.

—————–DO YOU——————
[x] Smoke Cigarettes: No
[x] Curse: Almost never unless made up ones count. But in my head I can be akin to a drunk sailor hehe
[x] Take a shower everyday: Good lord no…do you have any idea how cold our shower room is??!
[x] Have any crushes?: Yes ^_^
[x] Who are they: I’ll keep that to myself for now
[x] Do you think you’ve been in love?: Yes, but I couldn’t say for sure.
[x] Want to go to college: No I don’t think so.
[x] Like high school: Never been, probably would have though.
[x] Want to get married: Yes
[x] Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: Huh?…errm i’m not a touch typer but I amn damn quick with two or more fingers by now
[x] Believe in yourself: It comes and goes, most of the time yes…but deep down I have some confidence issues i think.
[x] Get motion sickness: Only if I look down and try to read stuff in the car, otherwise no.
[x] Think you’re a health freak: Haha No, but i’m not unhealthy.
[x] Get along with your parents: Very well
[x] Like thunderstorms: Hmm yes! they are deep and effect us in a sort of primordial way, feels scary but nice.

————IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU————–
[x] Gone to the mall: Nope, no Malls for miles.
[x] Eaten sushi: No.
[x] Been on stage: No...only in a computer game
[x] Been dumped:No.
[x] Gone skating: No. But it is icy here.
[x] Made homemade cookies: No.
[x] Dyed your hair: No.
[x] Stolen anything: No…errm well depends on if you count digital stuff :/

—————–HAVE YOU EVER——————
[x] Flown on a plane: Yes
[x] Missed school because it was raining?: No, hard to since I never went to it also here it’s always raining lol
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yes, sort of.
[x] Cried during a movie?: Oh yes, quite a few will get me a bit misty.
[x] Ever thought an animated character was hot?: Yes…lots, either in Japanese animes or digitally in games
[x] Had an imaginary friend: Loads! and loads and LOADS lol
[x] Cut your hair: My Mum does it
[x] Had crush on a teacher?: Nope, another thing i’ve missed out from School hehe
[x] Been called a tease: Errm I hope not :S
[x] Gotten beaten up?: No.
[x] Been in a fight: Not a real one, just one or two minor spats between brothers i guess.
[x] Shoplifted: Yes, intentionally and with malice of fore thought haha But it was only something very minor and I was quite young. Never did it again though.

—————–THE FUTURE——————
[x] Age you hope to be married: Errm Already past kind of lol but I’ll stick it at 30 now.
[x] Number of children: Two
[x] Describe your dream wedding: Never thought I’d feel this way but I sort of like the idea of the ceremony, so i’d quite like somekind of event. Not thought about it much beyond that though.
[x] How do you want to die?: In full awareness.
[x] What do you want to be when you grow up?: Hahaha I’ve never known, but for now I think a father.
[x] What country would you most like to visit?: Right now it’s Thailand…but the list is growning everday

—————–FUTURE PARTNER——————
[x] Best eye color: I really like Grey best, but blue and green are also nice.
[x] Best hair color: Black or Red.
[x] Short or long hair: Long
[x] Best height: Don’t really mind everyone is going to be short to me
[x] Best weight: Healthy and comfortable.
[x] Best first date location: Hmm somewhere relaxing for both parties.
[x] Best first kiss location: Hehe pretty sure anywhere would be perfect.

—————–NUMBER OF—————–
[x] Number of people I could trust my life with: Depends on what i’m trusting them with, I’ve gotten into the habit of holding myself back from even those i’m closest to at times. But over all I trust many people.
[x] Number of CDs that I own: Loads, but i’ve also aquired access to many more digital versions of musics from various locations.
[x] Number of piercings: I am unpunctured.
[x] Number of tattoos: None
[x] Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: lol I doubt ever, infact I have yet to see another ‘Bede’ in any TV or film credit yet.

—————DO YOU BELIEVE IN————–
[x] Yourself: Yes, at times.
[x] Your friends: Very much.
[x] True love: Yes.
[x] Soul mates: I think it could be possible, but it’s not an either or type deal.
[x] Destiny/Fate: Yes…but again I don’t think it is the only thing in action, there can be both fate and freedom at the same time.
[x] Angels: Errm I believe there may be expressions of energy that could be percieved as Angels.
[x] Ghosts: Not that they are people who have died…but again they may be other expressions of energy.
[x] UFO’s: Yes, the universe is too vast not to have other life…they most likely haven’t ever been here though, but I really rather hope some show up someday
[x] God: Yes.

————FRIENDS AND LIFE——————
[x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: No I love my name, and i’ve had plenty others while playing games
[x] Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: No
[x] Do you like anyone?: Yes
[x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: Errm tricky question, not sure anyone is too much like me, there are echoes in many people I know but I suppose my brother is the one i’m most like and conversly the most different from me.
[x] Are you close to any family member?: Yes my Brother but also my mum and dad.
[x] What’s the best feeling in the world?: The pure flow of inspiration.
[x] Worst Feeling?: Frustration.

As unbelievable as it was to enter 2012 now we are suddenly at its end o.O and heading for 2013…comeon! 2013!!!

Where oh where are our hover cars >.<

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This year has been over all a good one for me. No i’m not where I really hoped or wanted to be by the end of 2012 but personally I have grown and learned more about myself than I imagined I would and I hope to face 2013 with new purpose and direction. Still can’t shake the creeping sensation that nothing really matters and what will be will be…but with a bit of focus i’ll try an not let that unhorse me as it so often did this year.

Even if I have to ‘fake it till I make it’ I know that one way or another change has to be the order of 2013 and I will be bending all the will I can muster towars that goal.

I guess this would be a good place to list some resolutions but since i’ve not really ever taken those seriously I won’t make it a big thing.

Basically this is what has to happen to some extent in 2013 for me:

1: Earn money – The biggest focus of my life right at the moment, because so far i’ve just somehow not managed it. Perhaps a little here and there but in such quantities that would easily be wiped out by a couple nights on the town :/ Fortunately this means that my idea of money is vastly less than that of the avarage, and so even a few extra £100 will end up feeling like a fortune

2: Become and stay fitter – Thanks to a rather fun Isometric Workout system I am actually sticking to a regular workout, and feeling the results. So fingers crossed against any unforseen events (such as my last flu shot that put me out of action for a couple weeks) I will be progressing with a more rounded level of fitness, not just good walking legs.

3: Find my Purpose – A bit of a big concept, but an important one. I’ve no idea what it is I truly love doing. They all say do waht you love and the rest will follow (like money and happiness etc) but what if you have lived 27 (almost 28) years and still have no f***ing idea? Well perhaps i’ve just not been trying hard enough, so i’m going to do my damndest to explore my interests more, hone my skills in one direction not a million at once and try to find that one thing (if I even have one) that really fires me up.

Well those will do for now, so onto the pics since i’ve waffled enough for one post

Alone but not lonely.

A place where nothing seems to change, as time rushes by.

Breath taking beauty, hidden in life taking cold.

Un-bowed by time.

Despite a life of solitude and observation, there is always something new.

 

On this last day, share what you do after you’ve had a bad day to cheer yourself up, or get yourself feeling positive again.

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Huh Day 7 already o.O that went fast.

Today turning a frown upside down, how do I change my mood from gloom to…errm bloom?

Well bad poems and puns help for one

I’ve only really struggled that much with feeling sad for long periods of time recently, as in the last few years.

Before I guess I had enough distractions or was blissfully ignorant enough to not feel to bad for too long

 

But now I think my main mood altering actions are:

Playing computer games. Being a bit of a nerd this is of course a perfect source of escapism and mood boosting past time, you can quickly get lost in the digital world and all other concerns fade, plus you get plenty of small achievements to boost your happy chem releases while playing

Music. A classic mood changer, just pop some fun tracks on and even get up and get moving and you’ll be in a different mood in moments.

Workout. Pretty rare for me but always works to get the happy chems flowing.

Water. This one I’ve known about for a while but don’t often have to use it. But if you have a very strong emotional state going on, anger, sadness…anything really. Go splash your face (or have a shower) and notice how the contact of water instantly changes your mental state and brings clarity, intersting and useful if you are really angry.

I think thats the main ways I’ll sort out bad moods, but my mind being what it is I also tend to become aware during various emotional states and realise that even the sucky ones i’ve kind of chosen and in a strange paradoxical way I am actually secretly enjoying the sensation of whatever mood it is. Bad or good they all serve a purpose, so sometimes I might just kind of indulge in the mood whatever it is just because it has as much right to be there as the happy ones.

Oh also more recently talking to folsk online tends to put me in a good mood

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Well thats it for the week always enjoy these challenges, hope everyone is having a posetive week!

On this last day, share what you do after you’ve had a bad day to cheer yourself up, or get yourself feeling positive again.

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Today is music day!

Hmm but what song shall I share…

Well I’ll pop a couple in here since there are a few suggesting themselves:

To start this is a recent discovery from a collection of Baroque music – Fandango by Antonio Soler. And even if you are not a fan of this sort of thing I suggest just closing your eyes and listening to the complexity and joy written into the construction of this incredible bit of music. I don’t understand it in any musical way…but just listening to it makes me smile

Mayako Sone – Fandango – Antonio Soler by o-m-o-o

 And of course how could I not stick this one back up (I know i’ve posted it a lot recently but it’s awesome)

 Yep super cheesy I know but not only is Louis Armstrong an incredible musician but this song despite its over use and cliched nature is still a wonderfully happy and pleasing thing to listen to.

 And since we are in the Mood for Louis now this one which is the song that first got me hooked on his music, since it was on the intro of a brilliant computer game. It is a lovely song that has many good connections for me in my mind…and it’s also nice on its own merits.

 I could probably go on, Computer Love by Kraftwerk is a good one for me since it’s pretty much my favourite song ever. Or some of the VERY un cool but fun german disco hits of Fancy, also the strange but up beat funk of John Scatman give me a lift.

But i’ll leave it at this collection for now
 Have a fun monday all!

Well it has been a long gap, seems I get a bit scared of long running series writing wise and try to run from it much like a horde of zombies after i’ve started

But fear not I am back, and so is TokyoExpressman who rocks! at zombie stuff

~Tales of Tokyo~

Part One: OutBreak

Part Two: Hack & Slacker

Part Three: Hi I’m Jamie

Part Four: Follow The Rules

~Pony Tales~

Part One: Note From Mom

~Fallen Saint~

Part One: Dans Last Post

Part Two: The Beginning of The End

Part Three: The Fallen Saint

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Part Four: Garbage of The Dead

Bede ran full pace down the echoing street, the horde wasn’t fast but he knew they would keep coming until he lost them and they never got tired. Reaching the end of the side street he’d gone down he looked up and down the car strewn mainstreet. For a moment it was silent then as the gurgling moans gathered behind him they were matched and joined by others some to the right then more to the left, then suddenly the clattering shattering of windows breaking and grey darkly blood splattered arms and bodies came pouring out of shop fronts, 2nd floor windows, side alleys…they were everywhere.

Bedes heart pounded in his chest, for a moment he paused stunned and mentally kicking himself for falling into such a stupid trap.

‘This shit really happens!’ He hissed through gritted teeth, flashbacks of all the times he’s complained about the obvious mistakes of characters in zombie films.

‘Fuck it!…they’ll have to rip me limb from limb before I stop’ The thought worked like an electric shock, sending his muscles into violent action. He gripped his shotgun tightly and started off down the slight slope. It was a long run to get back to the river and his boat, and what security was a boat anyway? maybe he should find an open road and a car?

He ran, dodging between cars and out stretched arms until he could reach the relatively clear centre of the street. As far as he could see down the street shambling figures were moving, slowly filling the streets ahead, more and more of them. Eventually the way looked blocked, vacant eyes and blood stained hands making a slowly advancing wall, looking behind offered no escape.

The blast of the shotgun ripped through the air for a moment becoming the only sound in his world until the orchestra of moans re-began. The zombie who he’d shot exploded backwards, a bloody spray scattering across those close by. The second barrel decapitated another shambling corpse and Bede was through, slamming the heavy buttstock of his rifle hard into a young girls’ head as he passed.

As he ran he cracked the barrel and re-loaded, almost immediately emptying both barrels into another two growling zombies. Again and again he cracked and unloaded his shotgun, two, four, six, eight. Two at a time his shells ran lower and lower and still they came.

Dodging, firing, leaping clear of grasping clawing hands. It was all starting to take its toll, sweat beaded on his forehead and made his back feel cold and slick under his armour. He’s reached the end of a long main road, he no longer knew where he was or where to go. Looking up he saw nothing but the grey buildings and jagged gothic skyline, everything looked dead, oppressive and cruel.

He rested for a moment back against a building, ahead of him they kept coming, they were faster now almost as if they were fired up, it wouldn’t be long now.

Then something caught his eye way up near the top of the road he’d just run down, it was like a sparkling wave, shimmering bits of glass caught in the low pale sunlight. Then the noise hit him, a screeching thud and the roar of a large engine struggling to gain speed.

From the hidden side road a large yellow garbage truck careened out into view, cars and unlucky zombies being sent in sudden arcs left and right or vanishing underneath it’s wheels. The lights danced and bounced as the vehicle picked up speed down the slope a terrible repeating flesh crunch sound signifying its passage through the throng.

Bede shouldered his weapon once more and took out two more fast approaching zombies, but now the back of the mob pressing in on him were starting to falter, they turned their gaping mouths and sightless eyes towards the oncoming wall of noise and movement. I few more lurched at him and fell ontop of each other with well timed blows from the stock and then with seconds to spare he charged the left side wall of zombies knocking them in all directions like a pins in a bowling alley before he plummeted through the already shattered plate glass of a storefront.

The truck in a whining hissing cloud of burnt rubber and shattering bloody zombies skidded to a juddering stop, half of its wheels locking as the back span round like some massive yellow medieval weapon of war, bodies and limbs ricocheting off it’s side leaving a modern art of bright spattered red and rusty industrial yellow.

Bede lifted himself painfully out of the pool of glass, clothing and debris. The store was scattered with body parts and still moving bodies, zombies that had been thrown aside by the force of the truck.

“GET IN!” The voice lifted over the grumbling engine and the hissing hydraulic brakes and sent action back into Bede’s tired body.

“Margo??!” He said incredulous but still moving as he spoke. A few limbless heads snapped at him from the blood soaked pavement but only a few quick bounds and he was pulling himself up into the warm comfortingly industrial smelling cabin of the truck. Sitting in the drivers seat was a middle aged woman with pale blonde hair/

“Margo…when I heard your message I thought you were..”

“If you’d not drawn them away I would have been” She released the brakes and slammed the vehicle into drive, it shuddered for a moment as she struggled with the right balance and then they lurched forwards, weaving to and fro between the abandoned cars until they picked up speed.

“I think it’s time we got out of here, and I have an idea how” She turned for a moment to look at him smiling a world weary but still hopeful smile.

Bede smiled weakly back, and rested back against the door, feeling it’s hardness. That had been close, too close. This was no longer a world where you could take frivolous risks, every moment was a risk it was all about picking the lesser of two evils now.

He set his jaw, teeth clenching and reloaded his shotgun.

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It is so weird writing about myself I much prefer to make everything up rather than base it on reality. Anyway sorry again for the super long delay with my last cliff hanger, who knows this time I might get on with it sooner. The only Xangan i’ve added in so far hasn’t been on Xanga for ages >.< so I really need to get to some place more populated with Xangans

 

 

On this last day, share what you do after you’ve had a bad day to cheer yourself up, or get yourself feeling positive again.

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Today asks for a list of things I am grateful for, and in truth it really dosen’t need a big list for this sort of thing. As many a self help guru such as Joe Vitale has said the ‘Attitude of Gratitude’ is perhaps the most important thing one can cultivate. Often I forget it it’s true, but if I pause for even a moment then I am aware that there is nothing I am not grateful for.

We are surrounded by wonders at ever turn, by random moments and far reaching concepts that are all so mind blowingly complex and perfect that there is nothing but gratitude and love that can come close to an adequate responce to it all.

So I am grateful for a reality where this (above image) can happen on a dark grey morning.

I am grateful for my family, for their love and support, for all the thousands of memories I have of them.

I am grateful to all those I have met online, without whom I would not be the same person I am today.

I am grateful for computers and the wonders they have allowed, including all of my most treasured enjoyments and the majority of my favourite memories.

I am grateful even for suffering and sadness, for those who take it on so that I don’t have to and for that which I have experiance as it has shaped and taught me.

I am greateful for beauty, in words, in pictures and in actions, I will always seek it joyfully.

I am grateful for peace, and for the lack of it so that once I experiance it I can know it more fully.

I am grateful for my mind, though it sometimes leaves me lonely and frustrated.

I am grateful for my soul because without it I would be adrift in an emptiness without limit.

Another Vitale thing taken from the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono will be a good ending to this~

<3 I Love you, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive me, Thank You <3