Sometimes I’m happy, mostly i’m content. Sometimes i’m sad, mostly i’m just lossed.

Often i really can’t tell what or why my mind is doing what it’s doing, i’ll think certian things, defend arguments and act on belifes only to later be proven wrong or suddenly discover none of what i said is true to my now current mind.

If i get drunk is feel like truth will break free and that all thats holding it back is an endless maze of silly embarresment assumption and illusion, but then when the alchohol wears off logic returns and the ‘reasons’ come with it.

For the most part i just either distract myself or don’t think about it, but when i have chance or momentary clarity it’s vaugely clear that all this mind is all i’ll ever see or live or express is layer after layer of interesting elaborately constructed character, none more real than the last.

But is that true? if none of them are real maybe that proves that the illusion is in fact the feeling of unreality and those changing faces are in fact all the ‘you’ you’ll ever be.

An interesting concept that came up in conversation with my Dad was this, taking everything down to it’s simplest form there has to be three things. For example there can be light and dark, but there must also be a context for the state of light and dark to exist in. So logically there must be three things always, Yes, No and maybe. Good, Bad and Neutral. etc.

I like the example of using a computer, say playing a Computer Game. You have this elaborate amazing world (the game) you have the player (the ‘you’) but you also have the world in which the computer and the player exist.

None of all this is my own discovery and knowledge, i’m lucky enough to have been surrounded by this sort of discussion and subject for most of my life, but I’ve also not had much experiance of other peoples lives and minds, so i’d be interested by any comments about how you see your own mind or how you feel about your sense of ‘you’

Top of my List would be The Incredible String Band which is a brilliant hippy 60′s 70′s music band it’s lyrics are beautiful and my dad used to play it all the time when i was young and we’d be in the car on long trips so it has nice memories attached.

I also recently met a guy (at my cousins wedding) who makes quite similar hippy type music which i also really like, his Band is small but the music is very interesting and magical. I liked it so much i even made a Squidoo Lens about it.

And what i’ve recently been listening to is entirely different from my favorites about because it’s awesome 80′s German Disco done by Fancy it’s very cool in a incredibly embaressing way.

I also listen to Avril Lavigne quite a lot often while drawing, and Louis Armstrong when making websites and doing worky sort of stuff. I’ve always had a very wide taste in music, it’s much more dependant on mood and current task rather than like dislike.

Oh also I don’t think i can ever get tired of Kraftwerks Computer Love I can stick this on repeat and just leave it for 5 – 6 repeats easy!

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I actually only started this year.

And it was because i was teaching myself internet marketing and Blogging is a big part of that now.

But when i found out that you really need to spend time on a Blog and do it with heart and passion i sort of stopped because i didn’t want to spend my time ‘selling’ to anyone reading.

After a few months though i popped back to Xanga and thought ‘hang on maybe i could just blog about me and my interests to help build my confidence up for future online projects’

So i started again with that as the aim, and thats now evolved again into just basically discovering how much fun it is to share and chat with bloggers and Xangans and how much less lonely it makes me feel when spending hours stuck to a PC.

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Here’s an interesting thought.
When people fifty years ago were young (say in the west) they had a certain cultural identity and stereotypes taking film for example there are all the recognisable themes and types of Hero and Villain and as time has moved on these stereotypes have changed and evolved.

So rather than the clean cut hero saving the day we now are swamped with Anti-Heroes or even no hero atall. I was recently watching the HBO series Broadwalk Empire and I actually had to stop watching because I realised there was noone, not a single character who wasn’t corrupted or ugly in someway and I just couldn’t see the point in watching something so dark.

I’m quite a fan of Horror but that’s different often it’s just about giving you a scare but certain programs now are just dark, dark and darker. This is not really a ‘bad’ thing because art and culture has to be used to explore our humanity and unpleasantness is all part of that.

But the interesting thing is there are children today watching things like SinCity and 300 or Dexter. Each new generation is being exposed to the products of the last generation, so as we push the extremes of whats acceptable today we then open up the next level for those to come.

It’s not a new thought of course but I find it entertaining to think about what could possibly happen in the future, will this be the height of extremity and freedom? And in response will things fall back into more strict and ordered society? Or is there another way? perhaps the to and fro of culture and dualist reaction will be replaced with something as yet unimagined?

Whatever is to come I think Broadwalk Empire has proven to me that I’ve reached my limit. I like there to be heroes, okay maybe they can be flawed heroes but in the end I want to be left with the belief that everyone no matter what knows what’s right.

I suppose it’s a desire for simplicity, for the black and white of a comic book world, but it’s also more symbolic in my mind like the definition of the word Paladin (which is mostly used to describe a Heroic player class in computer games) one definition described it as ‘A Champion of cause’ and I quite like that it doesn’t specify a morality but is symbolises a clear belief and strong purpose.

Well once again never really sure where I’m going with this hence the jumble of thoughts.

The Newyear makes me think of something quite interesting that happened a couple years ago.
As is often the case my uncle and aunt had come up to us for Christmas and New years and we were having a jolly time of it generally chatting and getting more than a little intoxicated. And this particular night it was getting late and we sort of hit the perfect level of alcohol and familiarity to just be comfortable to share and talk with no sense of embarrassment or self consciousness.
It was really nice because my brother was having a convo with my Uncle and my dad was talking with my Aunt and I was talking with my Mum and we were all just chatting away having these really amazing conversations all at the same time.

But the really interesting thing was what my mum ended up telling me about my birth.
I’ve known for ages that I wasn’t actually born I was a caesarean but what I didn’t know was that I almost had a twin sister.

What was even more amazing to me and quite moving was that as far as I understand My sister was originally the only one the doctors found and when she died they even began procedures to clear out the womb before they found me, I think what saved me was the fact I was headed the wrong way (hence the need for the caesarean) but I can’t help thinking about how unlikely and incredible the whole situation was and how I sort of owe my Sister my life, I think I even have her name my mum said that if they’d have had a girl they would have chosen Bede for her too.

So how long did I spend with my sister? How much did I know about her existence? To some she didn’t really exist yet but perhaps her death meant my life and I can’t help but wonder what she would have been like, what my life would have been like if she’d survived. What she looked like even.
I’m not really sure what to make of it really, She almost feels real like a memory you can’t quite put a name to but that could also just be imagination what was most interesting to me is that after I was told about her she became my conscience to an extent I felt like I wanted to be better because of her sacrifice, not that that even makes much sense lol
But still whoever she was I’m grateful to my sister and feel like it’s my part to give her life through my imagination, so here’s to my guardian angel twin sister I promise to live my life as close to my ideals as I can.

And now an attempt to capture this as a poem…..be kind

We entered this universe together we lived for a time in quiet warmth close to our mother, sharing her hearts beat and rhythm.

Did we know each other? Were we alone or together.

Something within that peaceful Eden went wrong and almost as soon as you’d come you were gone.

Did you leave for me? Should I have gone too.

Now that I’m grown and have lived part of my life I learn of you and your passing and how I carry your name, my mind hears the words my heart feel the pain.

Did you exist? What dose any of this change.

My guardian angel, you’re my invisible sister, my other half, my twin.
I’ll live for you I’ll breath you life I’ll share my luck my love, my thoughts and if you’ll be there within and keep me from being alone and guide me to what I know is right we will be together from our start to the end of this life.