January 29, 2011

• SlideShow 2 (And a I think my first Rant)

  Okay as suggested by the charming and Graceful Days_likethis another slideshow (minus the Kraftwerk soundtrack) about various things of mild interest that have happened recently….unfrotunately i discovered while making this, my current life is really quite dull so don’t expect anything too exciting.

  And since I really feel that this post should offer something more rewarding than the slideshow here are a few thoughts that have been pestering me.

  Sometimes (like now) I get tired of my own BS, By that i mean I know that i’ve been using Xanga recently to avoid doing things that i should, I must have logged on to check whats happened 50 times today alone, and if i wasn’t using Xanga then i would let silly little distractions get in my way, or i’d do a littel token bit of ‘work’ and then feel just about justified enough to go and play a game.

  All of this isn’t new i’m always doing this sort of thing unless i have a specific limitation of time or responsibility, whats irritating is that despite know what i’m upto and seeing all the justifications and ‘reasons’ that i’m using to skive and distract myself I don’t seem to be able to stop from falling into the same old pattern.

  So i get stuck running through annoying do-loops with an ever growing sense of frustration. And i know that if i just stopped messing about and ‘did’ something i would feel really good, but i can’t seem to focus. And then of course having looked at and used many self help type systems I know that thinking or writing something like this isn’t really helping as it’s actually just another type of distraction in the form of over analysis.

  So round and round i go on ever more elaborate spirals of frustration, thoughts, distractions and imaginations. Untill all i want to do is tell myself to shut up! and get on with it…get on with anything!.

  The real question is what is it that i’m so desperate to get on with? well earning money would be nice….but then what do i need the money for? well what about my goals?….ah you mean the goals i had to basically invent because the truth is i really don’t want anything strongly enough to change my current circumstances.

  So no matter what i settle on or logically think would be useful it always has the sense of dishonesty. But then i’m currently living off the good will and love of my family and I honestly would love to be able to pay some of that back or make other peoples lives easier with my efforts….but still here i am it’s almost another day over and i’m sitting writing a Blog after having just watched an episode of a Devil May Cry anime and no closer to completing some of my current goals……..

  Arrrgh is all i can say……..

   

  Frustration, you eat at me, you burn me, you torture me, you taunt me.

  Yet you live because of me, from and within me, and if I were willing I could break us apart.

  But perhaps your there for me, perhaps you can teach me, perhaps not with force and pain but with acceptance and understanding we’ll finally merge and be free.

   

  Not really a poem i know but it’s just sort of an idea thats also been in my mind about creativity.

  When i draw something from my imagination it often feels like i’ve de-charged it and many times ideas and mind games that have been so vivid and bright become less powerful and even sometimes fade away.

  So my conclusion is that creativity is the ability to reach into the infinate of potential or for it to reach out to us and from that connection to earth something Inconceivable as best we can, perhaps this is why for me it can be a struggle trying to find the right way to ‘create’ something and once it’s done the ‘right way’ it almost feels like it’s died or been de-energized….so maybe i need to create something from my frustration to use it to channle energy….or maybe i just need to get off my arse and do something….rather than just rant online  

  • 6:48 pm
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