January 18, 2013

• The Fantastic Journey

  

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  A combination of the bleak and brutal book Steppenwolf and the beautiful but moving film The Fall have lead me to a rather clear view of my self.

  How long this self has been me I cannot tell, but for now this recent epiphany of sorts has shed the most piercing light thus far on my mind and life. Why it should be of any interest to others I’m not really sure, but I tend to find use in the experiance and expression of other peoples minds so perhaps my realisation will be of use or at least curiosity value to others.

  I am a Fantasist or at least currently the pattern of my life seems to hold true to that conclusion. On a side note I need to add that I cannot be sure (nor can anyone else) of anything and nothing is permanent so despite the use of language that might seem absolute I feel it is important for not only myself but others to always remember that nothing is fixed, everything inorder to live must be in a state of change, so although I might use statements that seem solid it is merely due to the fact that to add enough words to get across the endless potential in all things, would mean this post would go on for pages

  By Fantasist I mean that I have been drawn and perhaps become addicted to a world of fantasy, either through my imagination, computer games, TV or Film I have for many years sought to escape and avoid ‘reality’. On another side note I have to also say that when I refer to reality what I mean is what most of us would think of as normal life. Work, money, love, friends, everything that makes up what we think of as normal. This of course cannot ever be normal nor is it possible to define one thing as reality over another. But for this post the main difference is that the reality I refer to has a sense of permanace and development, tinged with the bitterness of mistakes, flaws and potential. Where as fantasy is a far more idealised and controlled thing that has limits and although flexible can never extend beyond its given rules nor be truly entered into.

  So due I think to fear, lack of confidence and over all a lack of trust I have given myself over to fantasy. Living in worlds that are ephemeral and impossible to succeed to any great degree in. Even in computer games I tend to avoid winning or even doing that well, instead focusing on playing out that part of the game that I enjoy as dictated by the imagined world I build within and along side the game world.

  Even my personality is like an illusion. I fool myself into wanting to be something I am not, constructing an ideal personality and then never living up to it, imagining skills I never fully hone. And infact carefully sabotaging myself so as to avoid ever having to really risk or face anything.

  This fantasy world that I have constructed and try to live half in has caused nothing but partial and dissatisfying results in my experiance. Since nothing can ever live upto the controlled and solid world of fantasy and I fear and distrust any other more real choices I am always left bitter and disillusioned.

  So in an attempt to cure this emptiness I turned to self analysis and then the study of all reality as any self analysis can only lead to. Reality however is beyond us to comprehend and as you keep searching you are faced with the concept of everything. The thing about everything is that it can either be totally encompassing and give peace, or it can be totally empty and lead to a vast nihilism.

  Aparently it was the nihilism that caught my attention.

  So given no peace by the sheer open ended emptiness of perception and too scared to trust the loving embrace of everything. I fell back on fantasy, and why not? in a fantasy there is nothing to fear, because you can be as much or as little as you like, nothing you do or say can ever really go anywhere and other than the slow and all too ignorable passage of time there is no risk.

  And thats about it, as with all such things I really don’t know what to do with my epiphany having now had it. For a lot of my life i’ve not wanted more than my fantasy, it has given me everything and taken nothing but time. However now that the gnawing desires for more or something different have set in I am faced with a strange inability to move or change, all my actions seem to fade to dust or lead nowhere.

  Up until today I couldn’t figure out why this kept happening but now I’m starting to see the pattern, good or bad, success or failiure doesn’t really matter because it all means one thing, breaking my fantasy. And as long as I refuse to trust and hold onto this ghostly imagined world then I’ll never commit to the change I am currently convinced I want.

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  • 1:14 pm
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