June 12, 2011

• The Loaf and Cake Quandary

  Yesterday I went to town for a very quick pick up of something for a website job.

  And as i walked through the people and buildings I began to feel lonely, in all honesty loneliness is the biggest problem i currently have emotion wise and for the most part i either ignore it or mask it with distractions or logic, but everynow and then it bubbles up and hits me hard.

  So on this day I walked into town alone and picked up the stuff and then walked out alone, watching all those around me but unable to connect, then as i walked trying to figure out what i should (if anything) do to resolve this feeling i was hit by a second realisation, one that had never come to me before and carried with it enough impact that together with the loneliness i was physically stopped in my tracks.

  I stood there in a beatuiful little nature walk in town with a gentle stream filling the shimmering green trees with sound unable to move and literally gasping (or certianly breathing heavier) with the ‘pain’ of both powerful emotions at once. It was only for a minuet or so and then i was able to move but something like this has never happened to me before and it was impressive to feel the power of emotion and to realise that they are as much if not more so a physical pain and impact as they are mentally.

  I ‘feel’ more than i think and am an emotional type of person but i’m also pretty analytical and often don’t openly react due to consideration and perhaps that should be monitored and not let to become a route to repression and stress, because much like after you’ve cried the pure release of emotion is often very cathartic and freeing, and can even open you up to inspiration and understanding.

  While i was recovering from my recent Pneumonia i would often just break down and cry, i wasn’t particularly sad for any reason i was just completely spent, my energy and health had taken a kicking and i’d almost died and beyond logic and reason my body needed to release the pain and tension so it cried. It was strange but did help and allowed me to feel without understanding what exactly i was feeling.

  As far as i can tell the only way our minds or language can grasp emotion is through poetry and for anyone who has tried to write a poem you’ll know that even then it’s only the loosest possible grasp. So perhaps when powerful emotions come up or when something really effects us the best solution is just to feel them without trying to understand or control, at least untill the first wave of emotion has hit and passed because afterwards we are then open to the deeper realisations and inspiration that are guided by our emotions.

   

  Anyway you might be wondering why this post was called what it was called so i’d better explain

  After my brief freak out in the forest i carried on towards the local Co-op and seriously felt like something sweet and cake like at this point, but when i got there i discovered that i only had enough change on me to buy one thing (and a cheap thing at that) and i knew that we needed bread back home for toast, but i still felt pretty crappy and had to choose between my own personal happiness and that of those around me.

  And of course as i always do i thought of those around me and bought the loaf (not to mention that was the most gentlemanly thing to do) and i’m glad i made that choice because doing for others always pays you back far more than simply thinking of yourself, but it should also be remembered that while we often try to always be kind and polite to others we should never do so by harming ourselves because it’s so easy to always be ‘nice’ and generous and end up bitter and resentful because you’ve ignored yourself, just bear in mind that your aperson too and deserve as much as anyone else. (something i forget all too often)

  So I bought the loaf knowing not only that it would be kind to others but it would also benefit me more than the cake since I would not only get toast but the good feeling of generosity rather than the cake, no toast and the feeling of guilt…and yes as i’m writing this i’m realising most people are probaly thinking “it must be hell in there” lol but hey thats why Xanga’s great you can let the crazy out every now and then ;P

  • 8:33 am
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